Does your life need descaling?

The Kettle Effect : When Resentment Starts to Build Up

You’ve probably seen a kettle that’s caked with scale. Each layer invisible at first, until over time it slows the flow, dulls the heat and your cup of tea begins to taste a little odd.

The same can happen in our inner lives: little resentments, unspoken frustrations, and neglected emotional tension - all of this gradually building up until we begin to feel stuck, antsy or reactive (or should I say explosive!)

Why Resentment Builds Slowly

Resentment rarely arrives as a tidal wave does it. It creeps in. You feel slighted by a passing comment, frustrated that something never changed, quietly disappointed that your needs went unmet, and you let it go, again. Over time, those unexpressed reactions accumulate like scale.

Signs you might need descaling!

• You catch yourself getting defensive or snappy over small things

• You feel fatigued, as if you’re carrying invisible weight

• You replay old scenes in your head, lingering on what should have been different

• Something (or someone) triggers a disproportionate reaction

• You feel cynical, closed, or disconnected from people you used to be close with

When we don’t acknowledge these simmering charges, they begin to affect our mental state, relationships with colleagues or those at home, and even our physical energy.

What happens when you let it fester?

Over time, the pressure takes its toll:

• Emotional weariness - the constant internal friction drains you

• Strained relationships - unspoken grievances distort how you connect

• Stuckness - you find it harder to move forward because old resentments anchor you

• Reactive behaviour - little irritations become big eruptions (think outbursts)

• Avoidance or numbing - burying the tension with distractions, overwork, perfectionism

The scale build up isn’t just symbolic, it steals your emotional bandwidth, distorts your perception, and interrupts harmony within yourself.

How to descale: clearing out the build-up.

The good news is you can descale your life. It’s not an all-or-nothing process, it’s gradual, intentional, and a be-kind-to-yourself kinda attitude. Here’s my suggestions:

1. Notice the heat: Take a pause. Notice tension in the body? Irritations in your mind? Ask: Where am I holding pressure now?

2. Micro-release moments: Don’t wait for “big events.” Use journaling, have a ten minute walk, take a deep breath, or have a safe conversation to off load.

3. Reflect (not ruminate): Ask yourself “What is this irritation trying to tell me?” What aspect of me feels unseen or unheard?

4. Speak & express how you feel: Use “I” statements or write an email / journal those thoughts and your frustrations. Name what you felt and what you needed instead. Sometimes voice can silence the echo so make a voice note (try it - believe me it works!)

5. Set boundaries or make small adjustments: Letting go doesn’t always mean forgiving outwardly or reconciling, sometimes it means choosing differently, saying no, or stepping back.

6. Return to what matters: When you feel resentment building, go back to your values. What do you need more of? Honesty, space, respect, balance? Let those be your compass as you decide what stays and what needs to change.

7. Little and often: Small, regular moments of release to ease the tension (or build up of scale) a short walk, jotting things down, saying no (form those boundaries!) do far more good than one big emotional purge.

When coaching helps, from insight to habit shift.

Resentment is uncomfortable because it often connects to identity, your unmet needs, old patterns of justice, or fear. As a life coach, I help you lean into:

• noticing where old patterns are still operating

• rebuilding capacity to be present with discomfort

• creating new micro-habits of emotional hygiene

• aligning everyday choices with what truly matters

If you ever feel stuck in those cycles, coaching gives you a sounding board (guided reflection in true coaching terms) and a space to see things differently with accountability and structure too.

Your descaling ritual: 5x questions to reflect on:

• What’s a small resentment I notice now (today or this week)?

• What body sensation accompanies it (tightness, heaviness, clenched jaw)?

• What might it be pointing toward (blurred boundaries)?

• How can I stop this feeling from festering? Share it, say it, or set it down somehow.

• What shifted after you let it go? Did naming it help ease it, even a little?”

Final Word:

The kettle does its job best when it’s clean. You do yours best when your mindset is clear too, or when pressure is relieved before it becomes destructive. Resentment doesn’t always demand confrontation, sometimes it asks for presence, curiosity, and a little kindness toward yourself.

If you’ve been feeling a bit stuck or on edge lately, it might be that you’re carrying too much emotional build-up, or to keep the ‘scale’ theme going, you’re simply laden with unspent emotional scale (those little frustrations at other people’s behaviour). You don’t have to wait for a crisis to start descaling. (Have I used the word ‘scale’ enough yet)??

Pssst…

I’m Vivienne, a life and career coach based in London, but thanks to Zoom, I work with clients wherever they are.

I work with people who feel restless, find themselves going round in circles, or are ready for a reset. Often at those crossroads when everything feels jumbled and you can’t see the wood for the trees. Coaching helps you untangle what’s been building up and clear out what’s weighing you down, so you can reconnect with what matters most.

When you clear out resentment, you make space for perspective and agency, and that’s when real change starts to happen.

If this piece resonated with you, book a free discovery chat with me, a no-pressure conversation to see if working together could help you feel lighter, clearer, and more in control of what’s next.

Your first step towards clarity: The discovery chat.

When people enquire about working with me, I always suggest booking a free discovery chat first. It’s not a sales pitch, it’s a genuine conversation - a chance for us both to explore whether coaching is the right step for you right now.

Here are 5 reasons why I suggest taking this first step:

1. To explore your aspirations

We’ll dive into your hopes and goals, as well as the uncertainties that may be holding you back. It’s often the first time people have voiced these things out loud.

2. To understand your challenges

We’ll talk about what’s going on in your life now, the challenges you’re facing, and what draws you to coaching in the first place.

3. To name the obstacles

Together, we’ll identify the obvious roadblocks in your path and look at how coaching can help you navigate or overcome them.

4. To get a feel for my coaching style

Coaching is personal - you need to feel comfortable with me and the way I work. This chat gives you a taste of what our sessions might feel like.

5. To make sure you get the right support

If I believe another style of coaching or therapy might suit you better, I’ll say so. The aim is to make sure you get the support you need, even if that isn’t with me.

---

At its heart, the discovery chat is about connection. It’s an opportunity to pause in the middle of life’s noise, reflect on what really matters to you, and begin shaping what comes next with clarity and confidence - with me there to really listen.

---

Ready to explore?

Midlife can feel messy, uncertain, or full of “what now?” questions. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Start by booking a free discovery chat with me and start a conversation designed to help you pause, reflect, and decide what’s next with more confidence.

Book your discovery chat here.

Remember: you don’t need to have everything figured out before you start. You just need the curiosity to take the first step.

Why Conversations with Vivienne returned.

Supper Club, February 2024.

My guests were asked to think back to when they were around 18 or so and to remember how they thought their life might play out in adulthood before they arrived.

---

I’ve always loved connecting people and sparking discussions with a purpose. Through my life and work I get to meet so many interesting, brilliant humans and I wanted to bring some of them together to explore different perspectives.

Just before the pandemic threw us all a curve ball, I had started what were then called Vivienne’s Supper Clubs. A guest speaker would share their expertise or story, from author Janine van Someren on the positivity of psychology, to Kevin Braddock book on Why Asking for Help Matters, Zoe Tuffs on Hive Behaviours, and Ruth Ramsay on erotic empowerment.

The very first Supper Club back in February 2020 centred on Imposter Syndrome. Since then, the format has evolved, but the heart of it remains the same: relaxed conversations that inspire, challenge, and connect.

Now called Conversations with Vivienne, think of it as a space to hear stories, share ideas, learn, and reflect. I cook something delicious, light the candles, and bring together a table of guests to explore a question that keeps surfacing as my clients navigate midlife transitions.

The first topic for this new season was: Why do we want to lead a more intentional life?

It felt timely. Over that year, many of my clients had been exploring how they could live with more intention, and I wanted to see how others reflected on the same question. Guests were invited to think back to their younger selves: did life unfold as expected, or had it been more like a game of snakes and ladders? And how intentional do they feel now?

As I asked them:

“Have you become more intentional as the years have gone on, or are you still wondering what the f**k am I doing and when will I grow up?”

And for the next one? We’ll be diving into a topic all about identity and role models. Do we get to choose them, and can we become our own role models if no one out there quite fits what we’re looking for?

Want to Make Progress Every Month? Here’s How:

Imagine looking back at the end of the year and feeling genuinely proud of the progress you’ve made every single month.

Yes! I am aware we are barely half way through January but you might as well start now!

What if you could focus on one meaningful goal at a time, guiding your decisions and actions with purpose? Here’s a simple framework to help you achieve exactly that.

Step 1: Identify Your “One Thing”

Start by choosing one clear goal to focus on each month, it can be personal or professional. Your “One Thing” is the goal that, if achieved, will make all your efforts worthwhile. It’s the goal that will create a ripple effect across other areas of your life.

Write it down. 

Keep it visible; on a post-it note, your journal, or a blank sheet of paper. 

Now, do this twelve times with different goals, one for each month of the year. 

These “One Things” will serve as your guideposts for the year, helping you:

• Prioritise what truly matters.

• Filter out distractions and irrelevant opportunities.

• Say “no” to what doesn’t align with your goals.

Step 2: Stream of Consciousness Brainstorming

While deciding on your “One Thing,” it’s natural for your mind to race with ideas, to-dos, and “shoulds.” Capture these thoughts so they don’t derail you (this bit is important to help you not lose focus on working out your One Thing) Think of it as a brain dump (why is there not a nicer word for this action?) where everything goes onto paper.

Here’s what to jot down:

• All the things you want to achieve in the coming year.

• All the things you’ve been avoiding but know will make a difference.

• The long-term ‘important but not urgent’ goals you keep postponing.

• Daring or exciting ideas that feel a little “out there” but light you up.

Write each idea on its own post-it note or page. Once you’ve done this, set these aside for review in three months. Remember to add a reminder in your calendar to revisit them. Some will still resonate (I call those ‘keepers’) some you’ll say 'what on earth was I thinking?’ and others are simply not worth pursuing.  

Step 3: Accountability Is Key

Having goals is one thing; sticking to them is another. To stay on track remind yourself of the satisfaction you’ll feel when you’ve followed through. Visualise how proud and “smug” you’ll be knowing you’ve made consistent progress.

Here are ways to stay accountable:

• Share your “One Thing” with a friend, colleague, or life coach (that’s me!).

• Keep a monthly check-in; make a note of your progress and challenges.

• Celebrate small wins to maintain momentum. (I will buy myself a doughnut).

Ready to Commit to Your “One Thing”?

If you’re feeling stuck at a crossroads and aren’t sure where to begin, I can help. Together, we’ll explore what your “One Things” could be, clarify your priorities, and build accountability into the process. Imagine the sense of direction and progress you’ll feel by committing to yourself this year.

Book a discovery chat and take the first step. Remember! Your future self will thank you.

👋🏼 I'm Vivienne, a life and career coach. And if you are ready to create structure, make progress, and move forward with clarity? Let’s talk. Book a free discovery chat with me and let’s start mapping out what’s next for you. Your future self will thank you!

How do you separate fact from feeling?

Just as thoughts aren’t facts, feelings aren’t either. Emotions provide information, but when that information is intense and loud, we become more vulnerable to believing it reflects reality. We often think, 'I feel it, so it must be true,' but that’s not always the case. 

So how do you separate fact from feeling?

Here’s a method to try:

1. Pause & Acknowledge: Take a moment to simply acknowledge the emotion. It’s important to feel it without judgment. 

2. Check the Story you are telling yourself:  Is it based on assumptions or fears? What actual evidence supports this narrative?

3. Challenge the Feeling: Question whether your feelings truly reflect the current situation. Could there be another interpretation? Are there facts that contradict the emotion?

4. Separate Fact from Feeling: List the facts of the situation vs. the emotions you are experiencing. Facts are objective and unchanging, while emotions fluctuate.

5. Use Logic and Evidence:  Lean towards logic and tangible evidence when making decisions or evaluating a situation, rather than letting emotions dictate their reality.

Remember, emotions are information, not a final verdict on reality. 

-------------

If this resonates with you; if you’ve found yourself caught in the tug-of-war between feelings and facts and want to learn how to navigate this with clarity and confidence let’s work on it together.

I offer one-off 90-minute coaching sessions designed to help you untangle the stories you’re telling yourself, gain clarity, and take your next steps with intention. It’s a chance to experience the power of coaching and uncover what’s truly driving your emotions, thoughts, and decisions.

Ready to turn reflection into action? Book your one-off session here and take the first step toward a clearer, more grounded mindset.